I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
