I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
