I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
