Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
