This dress was meant to end up on your floor
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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