I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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