Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
