I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
