Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
