you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
