Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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