If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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