when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
