This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
