you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
