i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
