Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
