I love black thongs
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
