You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
