She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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