We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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