One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
