So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
