Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
