Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
