My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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