My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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