Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
what day is it and did you see me today?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
