The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
