Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
