Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
