ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I am available for nakedness
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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