Need sex. Gaining weight.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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