Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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