How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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