just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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