Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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