I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
