Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
