he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She needs sedatives and a leash
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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