Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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