Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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