I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
