I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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