so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
