Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
