If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
