I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
