Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
