I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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