I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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