Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
