i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
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