you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
