just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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